The End of the World As I Knew It

6:30am Information super-highway stops working. Rolling of eyes and general grumbling ensues amongst co-workers.

6:40am Realisation that this might be a Serious Problem sets in. Angry phone calls are made to network provider by squad, because being rude and sarcastic always encourages people to try extra hard to help solve your problem quickly.

7:03am All work that can possibly be achieved without access to the internet is now complete, but Managing Director declares that lack of internet access is not a good enough excuse to knock off for the day.

7:26am Co-workers begin aimlessly wandering the office corridors, like ghosts trapped between worlds.

7:47am "I've got the internet" shouts an excited co-worker "oh, no, it's just a hallucination. Damn, I think I'm losing it..."

8:07am Walk new hire list over to Margaret instead of e-mailing. Stop and rest at halfway point, 20 feet. Interduce self to Margaret when finally there.

8:15am "You should just be able to phone the internet or something when this kind of thing happens" speculates staff. I consider dialling IT but the number is on computer. Sit and stare at phone. Then computer. Then phone..

9:00am Nobody cares that it's coffee time, they've already eaten everything they could find in the office out of boredom.

10:15am Co-workers construct an effigy of the internet out of stuff they find in the stationary cupboard, and begin dancing around it in their underwear.

10:20am Network engineer arrives to investigate problem. The Effigy is declared to be our new god.

11:00am Network engineer announces that he cannot fix the problem, and we need to get the main office to look at our line. He is promptly sacrificed to the Effigy. Co-workers examine his entrails to foretell when the downtime will end.

11:13am Co-workers begin arguing over what to do. One faction believes the engineer was a holy prophet and we have angered the Effigy by murdering its messenger, while others believe the Effigy demands more blood before the curse can be lifted.

12:14pm Interdepartmental guerrilla warfare breaks out.

12:34pm Faction 2 is victorious. Surviving members of Faction 1 are taken prisoner and sacrificed to the Effigy - they are disemboweled with the plastic forks left over from when we had a cake for Joan's birthday the other week.

12:55pm We go to Starbucks to get more cake.

1:15pm A new Dark Age begins, co-workers construct a rudimentary settlement around the Effigy.

2:00pm Co-workers gather around a campfire made from our useless computers and listen to tales of a time before time, when words and pictures would fly through the air and appear on a magical window before your very eyes, like dreams.

2:47pm Legend tells of the mythical "Book of Faces" which can destroy time itself - a crusade into the holy land (accounts on the second floor) begins in order to seek out the book.

3:30pm Slink out of office beaten too depressed to do anything but go home and blog.